This is a reprint of an article that I published in the Marion Star on October 19th 2008.
It happens every time doesn’t it? The clock always runs out, the credits roll, the party always ends, and the bill comes at the end of the meal. "All good things must come to an end," as the saying goes. It is just a fact of this life, that as much as we would like to try and hold on to a particular thing, or a particular moment, everything eventually comes and goes- no matter how good it might be.
This is true of relationships too. I have never seen a human relationship on this planet last forever. They all come to an end in this life one way or another, either by our choice, circumstance, or death itself. Some relationships end after a brief time, while others can last a lifetime- yet the fact remains that at one point or another we have to say "good-bye."
Sometimes we have to say "good-bye" to a person or even particular phase of a relationship because it was it best for ourselves or the person in our lives. It is true that if we want to let someone grow, at times, we have to let them go- like a son going off to college, or a father walking his daughter down the aisle. Just because a plant outgrows the flower pot, does not mean the pot was bad!
In my line of work, I see a lot of endings. I have seen friendships end, married couples going their separate ways, people moving to different cities or countries, children leaving home, and most poignantly, beloved family members passing beyond the veil into the next life. In my own life I have had friends and family come and go, and I have never witnessed an ending that doesn’t come along with at least a little pain and grief of separation, even if the relationship was a rough one at times.
It is funny how easy it is to characterize how "good" or "bad" a relationship is on how it ended. In much the same way, a good book can be spoiled by a bad ending, a memorable meal spoiled by the bill, or a great ball game ruined by the final score.
The truth is that no matter how a relationship comes to an end- by death, choice, or circumstance- every relationship we have, be it 30 minutes or 30 years, easy or difficult, has something good to teach us. Every relationship has the ability to teach us how to be authentic, how to grow, and how to love. There is good in every relationship, even if it wasn’t easy or healthy; even if it was to teach us who we shouldn’t be with!
When we get to those inevitable "good-byes" in life we have a choice. We can let the ending, with its unavoidable pains of separation, determine how good a relationship was, or we can simply focus on the good that the experience brought into our lives.
There is a test, I believe, in determining how "good" a relationship might have been. I ask myself if I would do it again, knowing how it was going to end. If the answer is "yes," I know that I have had an experience that has made me grow into a better human being- more capable of loving myself and others, and it eases the pain that endings can bring. If the answer was "no," I know what to avoid in the future, and I have learned something valuable. When I reflect on past relationships in this way, I can actually find a spirit of gratitude, peace, healing, and even joy in the midst of grief.
