Published in the Marion Star, December 12th, 2008
Setting Boundaries in Your Life
I have had the benefit of traveling around the world to different countries, and the first thing I notice about a new place that I go isn’t the new sites or the different food, but usually, how people drive. How people drive tells you a lot about the culture that you are in. For instance, in Italy, the lines on the road are mere suggestions. There isn’t really such a thing as a “lane” of traffic, as you will commonly see civilian, police, and even government officials casually weaving in and out of traffic. Germany (and the United States) are very different indeed- we always stay right within the lines. Funny how you can apply this analogy to how the cultures work too! There isn’t a lot of personal space with the Italians, and the Germans are often hold people at a safe distance.
Still, even for the road-savvy Italian there are rules to follow, even if they are a little more flexible than they might be here. Those little lines in the road are necessary for people, or else we would be driving all over the place, crashing into each other, causing mayhem and destruction. You will never catch an Italian driver driving on the wrong side of the road on purpose because he doesn’t want to wreck his car!
Boundaries are necessary in our lives too, so that we don’t end up “wrecking” our life. Yet boundaries are so difficult to establish and maintain, and once you start to compromise your personal boundaries, they are hard to put back up.
What do I mean by “boundaries”? Boundaries are the personal rules that we establish so that people don’t walk all over us- that people don’t take advantage of us- consequently we maintain our own personal dignity- in order that we might maintain not only our identity, but our sanity as well.
Have you ever met someone who tries to please everyone? That is a person without boundaries. They will be a different person depending on who is in the room, because they feel that they need the validation of the person who they are with. They may even compromise their dignity or integrity to please someone else. I imagine that this is not only tiring, but confusing as well.
Sometimes the boundaries we set are easy, and some are difficult. If I have an unhealthy person in my life, I might have to tell them not to call, or tell them I can’t see them. If I have an unhealthy habit, like eating too much, I might have to put a boundary on myself to not open the refrigerator after 6:00 PM. Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes.
If my boundary involves another person, there is something important to remember. When we establish a boundary with someone (for example, I will only talk to so-and-so at the office about work), it is OUR responsibility to maintain that boundary, not theirs. I can communicate that boundary to my co-worker, boss, friend or family, but it is not their responsibility to maintain a boundary I have established, it is my responsibility to do whatever it takes. If they don’t want to respect our boundary, then maybe it is time to look at how good the relationship is for everyone involved.
It is sort of like a privacy fence at a house. If I put one up, thus putting up a boundary on my property, it is not my neighbor’s job to maintain that fence; it is mine. Likewise, if the boundary regards personal relationships, habits, or even ethical situations in a job, it is not anyone’s responsibility to maintain the boundaries that I have established except for me.
Establishing boundaries, the establishment of a set of norms and rules that guide my life, is really a sign of self-respect and loving oneself in a proper way. It helps us to have integrity in our lives in any given situation, and prevent those “wrecks” that might happen on the road of life if we go outside the lines.
