In recent news, we have heard of the public scandal of a very famous Priest, Fr. Alberto Cutie. Fr. Cutie has touched the lives of millions of people, particularly in the Latin world, and has helped them to follow Christ more closely. In recent days however we have learned of his own personal struggle with his promise of celibacy, and with chastity, as picture of him with a female companion on a beach in Miami have surface. Fr. Albert made public news with these photos, shocking some, and not surprising others who think celibacy is an archaic and unhealthy lifestyle.
I thought I would put my two cents in.
Celibacy is tough.
It is.
So is marriage though! Life is tough! Sexuality is a tough thing to deal with no matter who you are. If it is something that you don’t struggle with, check your back for wings because you aren’t human. Take it from someone who has been hearing confessions for 5 years, a lot of people struggle with their sexuality, both interiorly and exteriorly. Heck, take it from someone who IS human and struggles with integrating and living a healthy human sexuality. Just because a man makes a commitment to celibacy doesn’t make him weird or superhuman, nor does it take away this struggle with human sexuality in a fallen world.
The truth is though, that while human sexuality, as well as a variety of other things in this world, were damaged by sin, we are given a lot of grace to cope, and to restore us to the freedom with which we are designed.
So how about this Father Cutie? I saw him last week on Good Morning America, sitting talking to the anchorwoman, dressed in a simple white shirt, and jacket, not in his collar. He talked about three things- how he has struggled with celibacy, how he made some stupid mistakes in regards to his association (in public) with this woman, and how he loved her. He talked about how he is considering leaving the priesthood and the church for her, and how despite this, he is not the “anti-celibacy” priest, nor does he want to become this.
A priest in love with a woman?! I am sure that has never happened before. Probably never in the history of the Catholic church. At this point I think it would be wise to make a distinction between LUV and LOVE.
LUV is the feeling- the butterflies- the attaction- the excitement. LUV is the stuff that sonnets and “Love” songs are written about. I would guess everyone has felt it for someone or something at some point in their life. LUV is a good thing- it is why people get married- it is why men become priests- it is why people have kids.
In our language, we only have one word for the various types of “Love.” In Greek there are at least 3 words for love! So English is a little deficient when it comes to understanding the concepts. I recommend reading “The Four Loves” by CS Lewis for further distinction of the different types of love.
So it is a sin that Fr. Cutie fell in LUV? Nope… not at all. In fact I can say with all my heart, that I wouldn’t want a priest that was incapable of falling in LUV. That priest would be inhuman. I believe Jesus fell in LUV- we hear him saying that his heart “ached” for the people, as he saw them like sheep without a shepherd. And how often in the Old Testament does God’s relationship with his people imitate what LUV seems to be.
I have fallen in LUV myself a few times. I fell in LUV with the church, with Jesus and his people. I have felt feelings of LUV, in my past before I was a priest, for women (which I am really glad about since I know what that is like). LUV is fun and exciting, and it hurts sometimes, and it is hard to control at times, and can overwhelm us if we let it, as it had Fr. Cutie. LUV is a great thing- probably none of us would be here if it wasn’t for a little LUV.
Married people fall in LUV, fall out of it, fall back into it with each other. LUV, like other “feelings” comes and goes. Sometimes married people fall in LUV with people who aren’t their spouses, and sometimes priests fall in LUV with women. It happens. LUV is part of the human condition. The inability to control ourselves when we are in LUV comes from our damaged human nature.
We are not called to LUV though. A lot of people think that this is the end all be all- that it is what will fulfill us. Like anything that is pleasant, and like any good feeling, LUV can be fleeting. LUV can cause pain sometimes as our hearts ache for the person we are in LUV with. LUV, as I mentioned, comes and goes.
We are called to a more noble purpose though we are called to LOVE. It is easy to LOVE when we are in LUV, and sometimes it is hard to LOVE when we are in LUV. LOVE however is a choice of pursuing the good in every situation- the good for ourselves, the good for other people, and what is good pursuant to the glory of God. ”GOOD” here does not mean what feels good necessarily, but what is best. Sort of like the candy bar and the apple- the candy bar tastes “good,” but the apple is what is “good” for us.
LOVE is always a rational thing- it is how we are made in the image and likeness of God Himself, as we can love as he does in a self giving way that always pursues the good of any situation. LOVE is the cross. Sometimes it is really hard and we want the “cup to pass from us,” but LOVE always says “Your will not mine be done.”
So Fr. Cutie fell in LUV. It happens. He did not, however, LOVE this woman, nor himself, nor the millions of people he ministered to. He sinned. Sin is the failure to LOVE. Simple as that. We all sin. We all fail to LOVE. God forgives us anyway.
So Fr. Cutie should be forgiven. But he is, in that forgiveness, called to LOVE again. He should LOVE this woman. He should LOVE himself. He should LOVE God and His people. He should from this point on, attempt again to do what is in the “Highest GOOD” for all involved.
He could leave for this woman- and some would think it to be an act of nobility- a cute Disney type “LUV” story where the man pursues his princess and they live happily ever after. AWWW… if he does that it probably won’t end in an “Happily Ever After” situation. In fact just the opposite will probably happen.
I “left” the priesthood once- in July of 2007. Now you can never really leave the priesthood, as a man is a priest forever, so I put “left” in quotation marks, because I left active ministry. Hardest decision I ever made in my life. I didn’t leave because of a woman (although there was probably plenty of opportunity) but out of anxiety and depression. Still I left, not knowing if I was going to come back.
Here is what I discovered: You can leave the priesthood, but it never leaves you.
There is a part of my heart, and the heart of every priest, that he will never get back. It eternally belongs to God, to the priesthood of Jesus Christ in a special and particular way. In my year out of active ministry I met a lot of priests who had left- at least 6 (funny huh?!) and none of them seemed too happy. Some said that while they loved their wives and children, and had been laicized, attendance at Mass wasn’t the same, and there was something “missing” from their lives. One man, who had been out for 35 years, married with children and grandchildren, came up to me and introduced himself as a priest. It never leaves you.
In fact, one priest told me that the only way to successfully leave the priesthood is to become an atheist. I think he is right. Who wants that? Talk about hopeless.
So Fr. Cutie can leave if he wants in the name of LUV, but I think it isn’t the LOVING thing to do, for the reasons I outlined in the above paragraphs. As much as he LUVs this woman, she will never have his whole heart. Never. He will always be a priest, not only in being, but in his heart. She will never have all of him. He will never be able to give it to her, and I imagine that can lead to all sorts of resentments and difficulties. As I read in one book, the man who leaves the priesthood trades in one set of problems for a whole new batch of them. Tougher problems. He trades in problems and struggles with celibacy for regret, on top of the natural struggles that come with marriage.
So here is what I say- if he truly LOVEs this woman, and himself for that matter- he will stay in active ministry. He should do it for her. He should stay to spare her the resentment he is almost sure to form in some way against her, or at least against himself for leaving. How can you possibly LOVE someone if you resent yourself? (Read the First Letter of John for more information on how that doesn’t work) He should say thank you to her, and let her go, and she should do the same for him. Sometimes if we LOVE someone, we say goodbye to them. Jesus himself would have liked to have stayed with the Apostles, but He knew that if He didn’t go, the Advocate would not come. He did the LOVING thing.
That is embracing the cross- that is doing what is difficult for the greater good of a situation. That is what the Bishop told him on his, and my, and all, of our ordination days- “Know what you do, imitate what you celebrate, and conform your life to the mystery of the Lord’s cross.”
It stinks for Fr. Cutie. It probably hurts a lot. I imagine that married people who fall in LUV with other people feel the same pain and struggle. But we are called to LOVE not LUV. We are called to do what is best and right for others, ourselves, and to the glory of God despite how heavy that cross may seem. I pray for Fr. Cutie to make the LOVING decision for his female friend, for himself, and his people.
God always offers us the grace to LOVE, and to take up our crosses and to follow him…
Fr. Joshua Wagner